The following was presented as my disertation for the MSc in electronic imagaing at Duncan of Jordanstone College of Art and Design.
The Book of
Nothing
Written
By
Graham Frew
With the Kind Blessing
and
Authority
of
His Wonderfulness
The Prophet of Nothingism
Chapter 1. The Book of Nothing
Behold, there is only one text which defines the religion of Nothingism which is The Book Of Nothing. No person has the authority to alter The Book of Nothing and no words shall be added to or removed from this text.
The truth and the authority of the Book of Nothing and the truth and the authority of the Prophet of Nothingism are held to be Self Evident requiring no other justification.
Embrace the following text for verily it does tell the story of the life of The Prophet of Nothingism and the Truths of Nothingism as passed to us through His Self Created Authority.
The following are the words of The Prophet of Nothingism and their truth and authority are held to be Self Evident,
I am The Prophet of Nothingism and the truth and authority of My Words are held to be Self Evident and I proclaim that every word written in The Book of Nothing is true and that it is impossible to dispute this.
Observe that the previous two statements together provide a self supporting proof that indeed cannot be denied.
Chapter 2. The Meaning and Power of Nothing
In the beginning there was Nothing. At the end there will be Nothing. All things in between cannot exist without Nothing. Nothing gives birth to all things. All things come from Nothing and all things return to Nothing. Nothing cannot be defined or explained even by The Prophet of Nothingism. As all things come from and return to Nothing it is true that the essential nature of all things is Nothing. This is the great mystery of Nothingism.
As all things are Nothing all authority is woven from Nothing. It indeed follows that those in possession of this wisdom and sufficient personal charisma can weave a tapestry of self created authority from Nothing.
His Wonderfulness The Prophet of Nothingism through visions and revelations came to have understanding of this esoteric truth. From His deep and profound insight into Nothing The Prophet wove His Own tapestry of Self Created Authority.
It was also revealed unto The Prophet that as He alone had understanding that all things are Nothing He possessed the Self Created Authority to define the religion of Nothingism and through Nothingism define reality for all true Nothingists.
The Genius of The Prophet was that he defined Nothingism and reality to be whatever He said it was and decreed that any definition given to us from Him to be unchangeable by any man. Let us rejoice that The Prophet through His Self Created Authority induced from Nothing eternal truths to give peace, security and freedom from anxiety to all mankind. Indeed we are indebted to The Prophet for all that He has given unto us.
Chapter 3. The Early Life of The Prophet
It is indeed true that The Prophet is a mysterious figure and it is not known exactly when or where upon the Earth He lived. Indeed as The Prophet stated Himself,
Be not concerned with such details. As I possess the Self Created Authority to define reality my very nature defies description. I transcend such matters that define the lives of ordinary men such as time, location and even existence and non-existence. As I define reality through My Self Created Authority then I create My own existence and indeed have the authority to tell the story of My own life as I wish. Do not concern yourself over these matters for it requires a profound insight into Nothing to fully grasp such ideas. Simply accept My Truth and My Self Created Authority. I have come to lift from men their heavy load. I have come to free the minds of men from the burden of facts and logic. Let me take that burden and liberate you from having to think for yourself.
The Prophet has passed unto us the story of His life as defined by Himself which he has the Self Created Authority to do. As a young man The Prophet was troubled by the deepest questions of life. His elders were often astonished by His profound intelligence and His ability to expose the flaws and inconsistencies in the beliefs of others. Indeed many people's lives were transformed forever by a single encounter with The Prophet. He was often to be found deep in contemplation for many hours where He would reflect on the meaning of existence, the nature of God and the reasons why men suffer. He also spent many days reflecting on His own Cultural and Historical Significance which He had become aware of from a very young age.
In time The Prophet grew to be a man and lived amongst ordinary men as if He were one of them. However he knew in His heart that He was not ordinary and took comfort from the knowledge that one day all the world would recognise His Cultural and Historical Significance and that those who mocked Him for being different would regret their folly. The Prophet does not let a great deal be known about this part of His life but in truth The Prophet did suffer as all great men do at the hands of their own people. The men who The Prophet lived amongst recognised not what greatness walked among them. The following are the words of The Prophet,
Did not Anthony Hancock say, "Why do they persecute we great men? Because they are afraid of us, that's why" (The Rebel, 1961). Yes, just as they feared Hancock so they feared me. And because they feared me they beat me and called me many cruel names. Now they tremble with fear because they realise that verily it was The Prophet Himself that they mocked.
The Prophet was not deterred by the ignorance of others for The Prophet knew that they did not understand Him. He continued with His work and His Mission to show the world how important He was. And it came to pass that The Prophet had the first of many insights and revelations through television. It is known that The Prophet spent many hours in deep contemplation and meditation whilst watching television and often become unaware of His Own surroundings. The following are the words of The Prophet,
Whilst watching television I fell into a deep meditation which lasted for three days during which I neither ate nor slept. I was convinced that a revelation was going to occur just as I had anticipated since I was a small child when I first realised how important I am. Indeed that is what came to pass. I was spoken to directly through television and many images, ideas and profound truths were communicated to me. It was revealed to me through television that the essential nature of reality is Nothing and that it was My Self Created destiny to become The Prophet of Nothingism.
This moment was the conception of Nothingism and faith that this event occurred is indeed a supporting and essential pillar of The Religion. It is known as The First Televised Revelation. The Prophet decreed that this event is to be celebrated annually. All Nothingists during The Festival of The First Televised Revelation are required to watch television continually for a period of three days. The following are the words of The Prophet,
The three day period during which television must be watched continually will start each year at the exact moment the person decreed by Davina to be The First Contestant enters The House of the Brother Big. Nothingists will do this in respect for The Prophet and in the hope that The Truth will be revealed directly unto them just as it was to The Prophet.
Chapter 4. The Prophet's Discourse through Television
And lo from The Day of the First Televised Revelation The Prophet spent many hours receiving wisdom by television. It is said that the television did speak unto The Prophet and through discourse the Prophet gained wisdom and learned of his Self Created Destiny to become The Prophet of Nothingism.
The Prophet learned that throughout history many prophets and religions had come and gone and that the authority of these religions and had been built on a belief in God. The prophets had created authority by proclaiming that they were chosen by God and therefore all that they said had authority.
The Prophet received the wisdom through television that to build authority on God or the ideas and visions of man was to build a castle on the sand. Facts and logic will fill the minds of men and erode the faith in their hearts and the castles shall be swept away.
The Prophet saw through television that it was better to weave a tapestry of Self Created Authority from Nothing as Nothing is the true nature of reality. The man who proclaims his authority through this understanding builds a castle that facts and logic cannot destroy for such authority contains a Deep and Profound Nonsense. The Prophet saw that it was His mission to free the minds of men from the burden of facts and logic so that they could give all their heart to Him without an atom of doubt in their being.
And The Prophet saw through television that man wishes not to think for Himself and desires to be led and to have his heart filled with faith. For it is through thinking for himself that man has suffered the anxiety of existence. The Prophet saw with clarity that since the time that man learned to think and became separate from nature he has experienced the terror of the knowledge that all men in truth do die. This fear has led man to follow many false prophets who attempted to build their authority on a mixture of faith and logic. But The Prophet was shown that faith and logic are as oil and water and that He would not fail because He would not make this same mistake.
And lo it was communicated to the Prophet through television the seven key ingredients of a successful religion. These are known as The Seven Televised Truths of a Successful Religion and were a source of much inspiration to The Prophet.
The Seven Televised Truths of a Successful Religion
1. The religion must have a prophet its followers can idolise and project all their desires onto.
2. The religion must have an enemy its followers can hate and project all their fears onto.
3. The religion must promise to free its followers from suffering and anxiety over death.
4. There must be terrible consequences for those who do not believe which extend after death.
5. The religion must pander to the desires and psychological needs of its followers.
6. The religion must be relevant to its cultural context.
7. The religion should have a state of being that its followers are trying to achieve.
And The Prophet spoke unto His television,
On the matter of The First Truth I declare Myself to be The Prophet of Nothingism and men will follow Me and submit to My Self Created Authority and all will rejoice and understand My Cultural and Historical Significance.
And His television spoke,
You have woven Your Authority from Nothing and are decreed to be The Prophet of Nothingism. May you never been undermined by facts and logic.
And The Prophet spoke unto His television,
On the matter of The Second Truth I declare that there is one known as The Great Enemy of Nothingism. The Great Enemy sends facts and logic to the minds of men to weaken the faith in their heart and lead them to the misery of thinking for themselves. I declare the existence of The Great Enemy in the name of My Self Created Authority.
And His television spoke,
May the people fear and despise The Great Enemy of Nothingism.
And The Prophet spoke unto His television,
On the matter of The Third Truth I declare that all true Nothingists cannot die because they are Nothing. Therefore they have Nothing to fear in Death.
And His television spoke,
That is indeed Profound Nonsense. May the people buy it.
And The Prophet spoke unto His television,
On the matter of The Fourth Truth I declare that all those who will not follow Nothingism will suffer eternal damnation at the hands of The Great Enemy after death. This they will suffer as a punishment for their arrogant refusal to accept that they are Nothing. I say unto them that if they want to be something then so be it. They are condemned to exist forever after death in hell with The Great Enemy.
And His television spoke,
You have indeed shown a lack of consistency in Your Teachings. Only those with the greatest faith will have the lack of analytical thinking skills required to become a true Nothingist.
And The Prophet spoke unto His television,
On the matter of the Fifth Truth the Profound Lack of Logic in Nothingism means that it can be all things to all men. To the poor and downcast I shall give faith that Nothingism shall deliver justice unto them. To the rich and powerful I shall give faith that Nothingism shall protect their privilege and let them know that have worked hard for their money and have no need to feel guilty about it. To the talented I shall give faith that Nothingism recognises that they are indeed special and better than other people. To the talentless I shall give faith that Nothingism declares all men Nothing and therefore equal so it matters not if you are not talented.
And His television spoke,
Indeed Nothingism shall pander to all men while giving Nothing unto them. Their faith will prevent them from realising this.
And The Prophet spoke unto His television,
On the matter of the sixth truth I shall frame all my teachings within the context of television as television is in truth the religion of modern man.
And His television spoke,
Indeed I would not disagree with this. Spread Your cultural reference points far wide and You shall succeed.
And The Prophet spoke unto His television,
On the matter of the seventh truth I proclaim that all Nothingists seek to free their minds from facts and logic so that they know only faith in their hearts. When they truly achieve this they will know the endless bliss of Never Thinking for Yourself. This is the point at which they truly become Nothing and through being Nothing become Something.
And His television spoke,
Let the Christians seek salvation. Let the Buddhists seek enlightenment. Nothingists shall seek these things not. May all Nothingists never think for themselves or let the blatant inconsistencies in Nothingism test their faith.
And The Prophet spoke unto His television,
May I deliver unto the People an Arbitrary Personal Identity and decree from My Self Created Authority a series of Arbitrary Customs which I shall make up as I go along. May I teach the people how My Self Created Authority shall be transmitted through Arbitrary Ceremonies and Arbitrary Objects of Faith.
And His Television spoke,
Go to the people and seduce them by speaking unto them a few all purpose banal truisms and they will think you indeed wise. Then they will be pliant in Your capable hands and ready to receive The Profound Nonsense that is Nothingism.
And The Prophet spoke unto His television,
Amen.
And His Television spoke,
Amen.
Chapter 5. The Parable of Chantelle
And lo the Prophet did learn through television of The Parable of Chantelle which he passed onto us through His Self Created Authority. The following are the words of The Prophet,
Chantelle was Nothing. And Chantelle did enter a treacherous house full of infidels and deceivers some of whom were false celebrities. And those in the divided house did not accept The Prophets Self Evident truth that all men including celebrities are Nothing. Many in the house scorned Chantelle and indeed Pete Burns did proclaim that she knew Nothing. But Preston accepted Chantelle and realised that to be with Chantelle would do well unto His career, which in truth was floundering. And it came to pass that Chantelle did bring peace to the divided house and went forth from it triumphant and entered the world accepted as a true celebrity. And Preston did go on to a successful career playing retro ska, which has been likened unto The Specials and Madness. The moral of The Parable of Chantelle is that through being Nothing we can indeed become Something. I praise Chantelle and proclaim that she is indeed truly vacuous. Chantelle is entirely without talent or perception and is in truth an inspiration to men everywhere who seek to be free of the burden of thinking. Let Chantelle be held up as an icon of Nothingism and let every true Nothingist know in their heart The Parable of Chantelle.
Chapter 6. The Customs and Practices of Nothingism
Behold the following for they are passed to us from The Prophet of Nothingism in the name of His Self Created Authority.
The Nothingist Arbitrary Act
A Nothingist shall proclaim their faith by the following Arbitrary Act.
1. Form a large zero by touching together the middle fingers of the left and right hand and the thumbs of the left and right hands. Hold the zero above your head and say, "From above I receive Nothing".
2. Hold the zero in front of your forehead and say, "Nothing into my mind".
3. Hold the zero in front of your heart and say, "Nothing into my heart".
4. Form a closed empty cup with both hands and hold it out in front of you with your head bowed and say, "And unto the world I give the gift of Nothing."
5. Open your hands out in front of you to give forth your Gift of Nothing.
The following are the words of The Prophet,
And lo it came to pass that I did invest The Nothingist Arbitrary Act with my Self Created Authority. I proclaimed that it would be become meaningful if I were to perform the act no less than one thousand times whilst naked and standing in the middle of woods. I did this and behold The Nothingist Arbitrary Act became invested with a Profound Mystical Nonsense, which means that any Nothingist who performs it will deepen their dedication to Nothingism.
The Nothingist Declaration
Form a zero and hold it a few inches from your face with your middle fingers about level with your chin and say,
"I declare that I am a Nothingist and that I accept the Self Created Authority of the Prophet of Nothingism and that I shall live according to the His Arbitrary Rules and that Chantelle is truly vacuous".
The Prophet's Stone
The following are the words of The Prophet,
I had indeed received great wisdom from television and was convinced that the time had come to put into practice all that I had learned. I did then go forth into the street and found upon the ground a stone. I picked up the stone and Arbitrarily realised that this was indeed to be The Prophet's Stone. I then spent three days investing the stone with My Self Created Authority by standing naked in the middle of the woods and holding it aloft my head and declaring every minute that it was The Prophet's Stone and that it would have the Arbitrary Authority to be used in special ceremonies that I had yet to invent.
The Priests of Nothingism
And the Prophet did decree that His authority shall be invested unto The Priests of Nothingism. To be a Priest of Nothingism does require the greatest dedication and only those who have indeed shown themselves to be a true dedicated Nothingist with a deep insight into Profound Nonsense and Nothing shall be initiated into the Priesthood. The following are the words of The Prophet,
The Priests of Nothingism shall play a crucial role in the religion by initiating new members into the religion, initiating new Priests into the Priesthood of Nothingism and by holding sermons for their own congregation of Nothingists. It shall indeed be the responsibility of The Priests to teach and hold up the self evident Truths and Authority of Nothingism. The Priests shall also through My Own Self Created Authority have the authority to create new ceremonies and customs and invest them with meaning and authenticity. This way Nothingism shall be a vibrant and relevant religion able to adapt and evolve to suit whoever defines it in the name of My Self Created Authority.
The Initiation of a New Nothingist
Any person regardless of age, sex, creed, criminal background or credit history who has proven themselves truly dedicated to Nothingism can be initiated into Nothingism by A Priest Of Nothingism at the discretion of the individual Priest. The Prophet of Nothingism decreed that The Arbitrary Ceremony of Initiation shall proceed as follows. The uninitiated Nothingist shall stand in front of a Priest of Nothingism who must be holding The Prophet's Stone and the Priest shall say,
"You shall now speak The Arbitrary Statement of Initiation as passed to us by The Prophet of Nothingism through his Self Created Authority"
And the uninitiated Nothingist shall say,
"I accept The Prophet's Self Created authority and promise to abide by His rules and accept Chantelle who is truly vacuous as an Icon of Nothingism and will try my best to follow Her lead. I will not let my mind be burdened by facts and logic and will make it my goal in life to achieve the sacred state of Not Thinking for Myself"
And The Priest shall hold The Prophet's Stone aloft his head and say,
"Through The Prophet's Self Created Authority which is invested into The Prophet's Stone I declare that you are now a Nothingist. May The Great Enemy of Nothingism never send facts and logic to your mind and cause you to doubt The Profound Nonsense of the Religion of Nothingism"
Then The Priest and the newly initiated Nothingist shall perform The Nothingist Arbitrary Act followed by The Nothingist Declaration.
Then The Nothingist Hymn which has been passed unto us by The Prophet of Nothingism through His Self Created Authority must be sung.
The Nothingist Hymn
Oh Holy Prophet of Nothingism
a great debt to You we owe
From your Self Created Authority
the seeds of our joy You did sow
And lo You lifted the heavy burden
of our knowledge that each man shall die
No more shall the self awareness of man
torture us and make us ask why
Oh Wonderful Prophet of Nothingism
You really are totally great
From your Self Created Authority
You led man to a new fate
We all think that you are super
and much smarter than we are
Now we don't have to think for ourselves
mankind will surely go far
Oh Amazing Prophet of Nothingism
how you suffered at the hands of fools
From Your Self Created Authority
You made them bow down and follow Your rules
And now they regret how stupid they were
and realise what they must do
Or be delivered unto The Great Enemy
who takes all who go against You
Oh Terrific Prophet of Nothingism
we don't think for ourselves anymore
From Your Self Created Authority
You delivered faith to our very core
Before You came into our lives
we thought "what's it all about?"
You taught that thinking makes us suffer
and leads man to anxiety and doubt
and leads man to anxiety and doubt
Oh free our minds, Oh free our hearts
Let us be free do to as You say
Oh Let us not doubt, Oh Let us not think,
and simply let You lead the way, and simply let You lead the way
Chapter 7. The Paradox's of The Prophet
The Prophet was not without understanding and compassion for the weaknesses of men and understood that he asked a great deal of them. The Prophet provided practical methods to help men over come the burden of facts and logic in a series of meditations known as The Paradox's of The Prophet. These are to be read and contemplated for many hours. The Prophets tell us that with each paradox we can achieve a sacred state of mind in which we shall have a Complete Lack of Rational Comprehension. This can only be achieved when we make the effort to become free of the burden of facts and logic. The Prophet in his wisdom and compassion understands that this freedom may only be temporary but urges us to continue in our efforts until we reach the point of becoming permanently free of the burden of facts and logic. This is the point at which we become a true Nothingist and know the never ending bliss of Not Thinking for Ourselves. As The Prophet said,
Did not Morphius not say unto Neo, "There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path" (The Matrix, 1999). When we know the path we cannot be a Nothingist as we are thinking about the path. When we stop thinking for ourselves we walk the path of Nothingism. I say this unto you in mystical and enigmatic way so as to confuse you.
Indeed The Prophet has often been referred to as The Great Confuser.
The following are the Paradox's of the Prophet as passed to us through His Self Created Authority,
1. Be Nothing and you will become Something.
2. Be confused and you will become clear.
3. Fill up with Nothing and you shall never be empty.
4. Nothing is real if you think so.
5. As laughable as it is falling bricks hurt stupidly but what does Nothing feel like?
6. What is the sound of one scissor cutting up Nothing?
7. If Nothing happened twice as slow wouldn't it be any more boring than watching television with the smell turned down.
8. Nothing doesn't happen when Nothing happens.
9. Carry an empty remark with you and use it when you can think of Nothing to say.
10. A cow can't say Nothing because a dog can't speak but a man can moo and say Nothing.
11. When you don't think Nothing, Nothing seems possible. When you do think Nothing, Nothing seems impossible.
12. Let Nothing happen to you and you will happen to everything.
Chapter 8. The Prophet Begins His Mission.
And lo The Prophet did go into the world to deliver unto the people The Truths of Nothingism and to teach them about His Self Created Authority and His Cultural and Historical Significance.
The Prophet Visits a Public House
And The Prophet did enter a public house where he spoke unto several men and drank lager with them and watched Who Wants to be a Millionaire on the television.
And The Prophet did answer many of the questions and the men saw that He was indeed wise. It has been suggested by many that it was in truth a repeat He had viewed many times during His Discourse through Television but this is a lie sent by The Great Enemy.
And the men were curious as to who The Prophet truly was and their hearts were filled with many questions.
One man asked, "Is there a God?" and the Prophet said Nothing.
Another asked, "Is there life after death?" and the Prophet said Nothing.
Yet another asked, "Why must men suffer so?" and The Prophet said Nothing.
And lo the landlord of the public house asked of the Prophet, "Are you having any food mate?" to which the Prophet replied,
I'll have the steak pie and chips please.
The landlord was confused and asked The Prophet why he had answered his question and not the others to which The Prophet replied,
Of food I can speak although man cannot live by steak pie and chips alone.
Of that which I cannot speak I shall say Nothing.
And the landlord said, "What is that supposed to mean?"
And lo The Prophet was reminded of Who Wants to be a Millionaire and said,
It's only easy when you know the answer
And said Nothing more.
The Publican did walk off shaking his head as he was much confused and returned later with steak pie and chips. The Prophet then Arbitrarily Decreed that from that day on Nothingists shall eat no meal other than steak pie and chips when they enter a public house unless it is not on the menu.
The Prophet ate His Steak Pie and chips and did drink more lager with the men in the public house. And lo The Prophet was filled with great joy and told the men that He loved them and that He would be a friend unto them forever. Then The Prophet stood up and declared that He would turn lager into water and the men praised Him and declared that it was a miracle. Several hours later The Prophet did leave the public house and go to His own home for He was in truth in need of sleep after His first day of teaching Nothingism unto the people.
The Sermon Outside the Pub
And lo The Prophet did go into many public houses and talked unto many men and drank much lager. Often the words of The Prophet did fall on deaf ears and they thought him a fool especially after He had drank many lagers. But many listened and soon the word spread that He was a great and wise man. And it came to pass that a great crowd gathered outside a public house and they called for The Prophet to speak unto them and to give of His wisdom.
The Prophet stood before them and remembered that His television had told Him to speak unto The People a few all purpose banal truisms and they would think Him wise.
And The Prophet spoke,
You have sought contentment through money but this has not satisfied you.
And the crowd nodded and looked at each other for they were impressed by His wisdom.
And The Prophet much encouraged went on,
You have sought contentment through entertainment but this has not satisfied you. You have sought contentment through success but this has not satisfied you. You have sought contentment through substance abuse but this has not satisfied you.
And a man said unto The Prophet, "Are you a psychic? How can you see into our very hearts like this? This is scary." And the crowd hushed the man so they could hear The Prophet.
The Prophet went on,
The greatest of you has never found true happiness. Even your celebrities are in truth miserable although they have money and fame. Some of your most successful celebrities such as Robbie Williams and Madonna have written songs complaining that being famous isn't as good as you think it is. Every year people enter The House of the Brother Big convinced that it's going to be a great laugh and yet most require professional counselling upon leaving. You have not succeeded in creating anything that gives unto man lasting happiness. I say unto you that no amount of fame, money or consumer products can satisfy the deeper longings in man.
The crowd were truly amazed by the intelligence of The Prophet and listened further. And He spoke,
In truth you are most unhappy because you have knowledge that you will die and you attempt to fill your lives with foolish things in order to take your mind off your impending doom.
The crowd didn't like this as much as the other things he had spoken unto them and He could see that He was losing them and realised He would quickly have to win them back and so said,
Behold, I am The Prophet of Nothingism and I have come to give the good news unto man that man need not suffer any longer.
The crowd were intrigued and The Prophet went on,
Yes, let it be known through My Self Created Authority and My Self Evident Truths that I alone am the path to contentment because I have come to free you from the burden of facts and logic. I have to come to lift this from you and I shall take that burden. I will free you from the heavy weight of having to think for yourselves and lead you to happiness.
And a man said, "What's that got to do with what you were saying before?"
The Prophet in truth had dreaded this question and tried to ignore it and went on,
Accept me as I am the truth. Accept my words as my words are the truth. All this is held to be Self Evident. Through me you shall become Nothing and through being Nothing only then can you be Something. This is The First Paradox of The Prophet which can only be resolved by those who follow my path to Nothing.
And a man said, "What is so good about Nothing?"
And The Prophet said unto them,
Did not Franknfurter say unto Magenta, "You will find when the mood takes me I can be quite generous"
To which she replied, "I ask for nothing".
And lo Franknfurter said unto Magenta, "Then you shall receive it in abundance" (The Rocky Horror Picture Show, 1975)
The man said, "But Magenta and Riff Raff killed him".
To which The Prophet replied,
Understand this my son and you shall have wisdom
But the man was in truth a fool and went away confused and proclaimed that The Prophet did talk out of a hole in His head.
And The Prophet said,
Did not Erik Idle say unto Graham Chapman, "You come from nothing, you go back to nothing, what have you lost? nothing" (The Life of Brian, 1979)
And the Prophet went on,
Did not Dot Cotton go forth from the launderette into the street and light up a cigarette and she did cough wheezely and her chest did rattle for it was full of phlegm. And then she saw in the square Phil Mitchell and she said unto him Nothing, for she despised him since she had learned of his penchant for dogging. Understand all this and you shall have wisdom.
And a man said, "Why do you talk in that pretentious and patronising way?"
And The Prophet said,
For it does give all that I say unto you a dramatic authority.
And The Prophet went on to tell the story of how he came to create His Self Created Authority and of His Discourse through Television and of The Parable of Chantelle.
And a man said, "You spoke to Your television? You must be a loony".
And The Prophet said,
Great men are often thought mad in their own time.
And the man said, "So are loonies". The man then walked away and proclaimed around town that The Prophet had mental health issues.
Indeed many of the people in the crowd had minds burdened by facts and logic which created doubt in their hearts and they were not impressed.
Others in the crowd though had minds filled with Nothing and accepted the words of The Prophet as possessing Self Evident truth because he had proclaimed that they did.
Those unburdened by facts and logic had hearts free of doubt and from that day forward followed The Prophet without question.
And lo The Prophet looked upon them and saw that they recognised His Cultural and Historical Significance and He was gratified.
The Prophet spoke unto the people,
Let not your minds be burdened by facts and logic as these are sent from The Great Enemy to test your faith. Be as children and accept without question everything that I have to say even if it doesn't make sense. For I say unto you, even as I contradict myself verily I reveal the higher truth. It is indeed true that truth can appear to be ridiculous to those burdened by facts and logic. It does require no effort to believe in that which makes sense. Only those with the greatest faith can accept The Profound and Utter Nonsense which I speak unto you.
The fools in the crowd who were burdened by facts and logic laughed and mocked The Prophet and proclaimed that all that He said was stupid.
The wise amongst them recognised that facts and logic blinded them and became free of the burden of thinking and delivered a kicking unto those who had mocked The Prophet.
The Prophet blessed them and proclaimed that all men with minds filled with Nothing shall enter His kingdom.
The Prophet then entered The Public House with His followers and did not have to buy a round all night but was never without a drink. This He proclaimed to be a miracle.
The Prophet and the Tax Collector
And lo The Prophet entered the home of a man who worked for the council tax and many of His followers were confused that He should enter the home of a man so hated.
The Prophet calmed them and told them,
Remember all that I have taught you. All men are Nothing. This is especially true for those who work for the council tax.
And The Prophet entered the living room of the man who worked for the council tax and observed that is was full of consumer products.
Amongst the belongings were an I-pod, a digital camera and a playstation 2. The Prophet become troubled and asked the man why he would want to be in possession of such things. The man replied, "It's better than the X box" but The Prophet did not agree and Arbitrarily Decreed that Nothingists shall not own a playstation2.
The Prophet then explained his self evident truths. He explained that it is better to be Nothing and it is better to have Nothing and offered to relieve the man of his possessions for his own good.
But the man said, "If You take all my consumer products I shall be left here alone in a empty room."
The Prophet said unto him,
Is not an empty room at the height of it's potential and yet it is impossible to be in one?
The man thought on these words and replied, "What is that supposed to mean?"
The Prophet stared blankly at the man as His head was full of Nothing and He could think of Nothing to say.
Through saying Nothing though The Prophet spoke volumes and the man began to understand the Self Evident truths of The Prophet.
The man then offered all his worldly goods unto The Prophet who readily accepted them except for the playstation2 which he cast into the gutter as he wasn't impressed by it. And lo the man rejoiced at the emptiness in his home and asked The Prophet for advice on how to have even more of Nothing in his house.
The Prophet replied,
Put all the cupboards in your home into one cupboard, this will create some space for more Nothing.
And the man was confused and The Prophet left with His hands full.
The following are the words of The Prophet,
Let the Prophet accept the burden of your possessions and leave you with Nothing.
Chapter 9. The Arrest of The Prophet
And it came to pass that many people followed The Prophet where ever he went and beat up anyone who disagreed with Him and The Prophet did relieve many of their possessions for their own good. And the police did hear of this and many informed them of the things that The Prophet did say and that He claimed to have had conversations with His television. And The Police did say, "looks like we've got a right nut box on our hands here".
The Police then went out and did search for The Prophet and they found an informant who claimed to have once followed The Prophet but had thought better of it and that He would point out unto The Police who The Prophet was. And The Police said unto him, "Who ever he is, buy for Him a pint of lager and take it unto Him and we shall then know who He is".
And so the informant led the police to The Prophets favourite pub and bought for The Prophet a pint and gave it unto him. This is known as The Traitors Pint. The Prophet was pleased to see His former follower again and welcomed Him back as The Prophet loves all men who will buy Him a pint. The Police then arrested The Prophet and took Him in for questioning.
And lo The Police did question The Prophet for many hours and The Prophet told unto them the simple truth of who He was and the story of His Self Created Authority and of His Discourse Through Television and of The Parable of Chantelle. In truth the police were confused and unsure what to do with The Prophet and so they washed their hands of Him and passed Him onto the police psychologist.
And the police psychologist did question The Prophet and talk unto Him and listen to all that The Prophet had to say. And the police psychologist did suspect that The Prophet was schizophrenic and border line psychotic. The police psychologist then had The Prophet committed unto a secure hospital for observation and psychiatric evaluation.
And that is the last anyone heard of The Prophet of Nothingism. May all that He passed unto us through his Self Created Authority in The Book of Nothing be an inspiration to all true Nothingists everywhere. May your mind never be burdened by facts and logic and may you Never Think for Yourselves.
Amen.
